I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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