You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
