My nipple is on Facebook.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
