My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
