The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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