If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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