can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
