Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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