He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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