So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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