I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
