FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
