Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
