He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
