OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Randomize
