who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
