On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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