I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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