why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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