i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
