census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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