when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
