so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
