I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
