Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
