I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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