i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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