Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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