My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
this is an emotional support booty call
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