i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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