Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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