Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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