you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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