I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
