I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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