I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
