i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
