FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
