did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
