Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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