is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
