she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
