My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
