My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
