yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
