If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
