dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
