im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
