I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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