I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
