The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
