I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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