u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
