Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
